Sweet Grapes: How to Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again

Excellent.

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I have read widely about infertility and this continues to be my favorite book. Their strength and wisdom in the face of infertility is simply inspiring and uplifting. Far from being a book only about living childfree, it is about dealing with loss, and then making positive, active choices in your life. My husband and I will likely pursue adoption or IVF with egg donation, but from this book I realized that the decision to pursue those family building options is separate from the process of accepting and mourning loss of fertility. And I gained a new appreciation for the active decision to live childfree, an option I now think every infertile couple should seriously consider as part of their process of growing, accepting, and taking control of their lives. It is optimistic and is a welcome antidote to the feelings of bitterness that can fester in the hearts of those with infertility.

A must read for anyone coming to terms with their infertility.

Essential Reading for Infertile Couples

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This book, along with "Adopting After Infertility" are two of the most helpful books my husband and I have read on infertility. We're undergoing our third and last IVF in the fall, so we're getting ready to close the door on the possibility of a child who is biologically ours. We credit both of these books for helping to keep us emotionally grounded during the process -- there IS life after infertility!

The Carters have written a warm, honest, personal, heartfelt and non-judgmental book. They acknowledge that Childfree is not for everyone, but openly share how it has worked for them and the decision process they employed to get there. The tone of the book is never pushy or self-righteous, which sadly cannot be said of all infertility books and forums.

We still have not decided whether or not adoption is for us, but we feel better equiped to make that decision thanks to both of these books.

A Positive Spin on Bad Luck

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This book presents rules that worked for the authors, but may not work for everyone. They certainly don't work for me.

This is meant to be a comforting, positive book for those who lost out in the fertility sweepstakes. It is often Pollyanna-ish -- the authors suggest "helping" careers such as social work and teaching, pets, gardening and hobbies as substitutes for having children, which seems rather bizarre. I don't experience these things as remotely comparable.

They fail to address the knotty issues, the real reasons why people couldn't try to have children until it was too late. While the authors seem to assume that all parents and in-laws want grandchildren, my husband and I were hesitant because we grew up in stressed-out families, both of which (especially his, who disapproved of our interfaith marriage)discouraged us from having children. They don't address the common scenario of boyfriends dragging their feet to the altar, and husbands wanting to put off and put off having children until the wives are too old, and so the infertility heartbreak begins.

The authors made their childfree decision in their early thirties -- which seems ludicrously early to give up hope. I don't buy their recommendation that it's bad to "drift" -- leave things up to fate. They started using birth control again, instead of leaving it to chance that they might be blessed with a late, surprise baby. I know one couple who did the fertility treatment route, resigned themselves fairly happily to childlessness, and then the wife got accidentally pregnant at 45, and they are the happiest parents in the world.

I tried to embrace "childfree" in my late thirties, after fertility treatments dramatically worsened a chronic illness, which brought additional money worries into the picture. The authors don't cover a situation like mine -- where adoption turns out not to be an option. I really had no choice, so why should I say I chose child free? The authors only define three scenarios -- biological children, adoptive children, and happily child free. Those who experience themselves as childless, they say, are doing something wrong.

These authors have a very close marriage, and happy, fulfilling careers. Not everyone is so lucky to have that strong bond to fill the void of childlessness.

The authors oversimplify a complex situation that is subject to each person's experience. I can't agree that all their recommendations will lead to resolution. Life is never fully resolved. Despite my efforts to embrace "child free" the hand fate has dealt me periodically casts a shadow over my life. Some days my life is so challenging that I thank God I'm not subjecting innocent children to it. But most days it's society that makes me feel child-less. Other times, I genuinely experience life that way. It's wrong of the authors to deny my or anyone else their truth. There are no absolutes in life, no one size fits all formulas.Some things you never get over.

A light at the end of the tunnel...

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Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! An amazing book to help you survive infertility. After 7 IVF's, several miscarriages and a medical conclusion that what felt impossible, was impossible, this book changed my life. After reading it, I felt as though there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I took control of my life and realized that I could have a rewarding, happy life...I just needed to make the active choice to BE HAPPY! If you feel "stuck", read this book...it will change your perspective on life!

Very helpful, calming and a quick read

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I found this book extremely helpful after our 4 failed IVF attempts along with 2 miscarriages. It helped me get out of the hole that I had dug for my husband and myself and get on with life!

I felt immeasurably relieved after reading it.